smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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