alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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