There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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