At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
