I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
