hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
