we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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