i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
