Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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