I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Randomize
