you're like a bully in the Christmas story
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
