Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
