My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
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