Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I can't turn off my feet"
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
