I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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