i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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