i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
