uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
