remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
