nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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