I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
