we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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