I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
