There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
