She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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