I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
