When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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