I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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