I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
