How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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