i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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