next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
