I have demons in me.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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