I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
