I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
