my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
