Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
