i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
