I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
