I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
