yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
