Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
What a dumb baby whore.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
