After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
