2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
