3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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