A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
