So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
