this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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