Ketchup is God's man juice
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
