Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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