she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
