I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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